{"id":370,"date":"2012-10-25T11:49:38","date_gmt":"2012-10-25T00:49:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/leadershipskillcenter.com\/blog\/?p=370"},"modified":"2012-10-25T16:55:44","modified_gmt":"2012-10-25T05:55:44","slug":"difficult-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/leadershipskillcenter.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Guest Contributor Judy Ringer<\/p>\n

Think of a conversation you\u2019ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let\u2019s go.<\/p>\n

There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. (In fact, I list several excellent resources at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don\u2019t. Maybe you\u2019ve tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, you feel stuck, and you\u2019d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.<\/p>\n

What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.<\/p>\n

Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the Conversation<\/h2>\n

Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:<\/h4>\n
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  1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.<\/li>\n
  2. What assumptions are you making about this person\u2019s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker’s intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.<\/li>\n
  3. What \u201cbuttons\u201d of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your \u201cbackstory,\u201d as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you\u2019ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.<\/li>\n
  4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.<\/li>\n
  5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.<\/li>\n
  6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?<\/li>\n
  7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    4 Steps to a Successful Outcome<\/h2>\n

    The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you\u2019ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center\u2013and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you\u2019ll help your opponent\/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)<\/p>\n

    Step #1: Inquiry<\/h3>\n

    Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don\u2019t know anything (you really don\u2019t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent\/partner and his point of view. Pretend you\u2019re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.<\/p>\n

    If your partner really was from another planet, you\u2019d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?<\/p>\n

    Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don\u2019t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don\u2019t take it personally. It\u2019s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You\u2019ll get your turn, but don\u2019t rush things.<\/p>\n

    Step #2: Acknowledgment<\/h3>\n

    Acknowledgment means showing that you\u2019ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he’s really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.<\/p>\n

    Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It\u2019s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: \u201cI notice I\u2019m becoming defensive, and I think it\u2019s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I\u2019m not trying to persuade you in either direction.\u201d The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.<\/p>\n

    Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, \u201cthis sounds really important to you,\u201d doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m going to go along with your decision.<\/p>\n

    Step #3: Advocacy<\/h3>\n

    When you sense your opponent\/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it\u2019s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he’s missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: \u201cFrom what you\u2019ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I\u2019m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I\u2019m thinking about its long-term success. I don\u2019t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Step #4: Problem-Solving<\/h3>\n

    Now you\u2019re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent\/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other\u2019s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you\u2019ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.<\/p>\n

    Practice, Practice, Practice<\/h2>\n

    The art of conversation is like any art\u2013with continued practice you will acquire skill and ease.<\/p>\n

    Here are some additional tips and suggestions:<\/h4>\n